With new President Barack Obama sworn in as King Dude in the U.S., itâs no secret that thereâs a lot of work to do out there, particularly when it comes to the festering maw that is our nationâs current economy. Since the fiscal temperature has moved from a state of âcool with low humidityâ to âfrigid with a high chance of suckingâ, weâve seen our share of absurd ordeals.
However, if you think that our economy is wacky, then perhaps you havenât spent too much time inhabiting many fictional video game worlds. For those of you who are looking to relocate somewhere better, weâve put together a small travel guide for virtual visitors. If these places were real, they would be bizarre and unbelievable.
Here are the 7 most ridiculous video game economies, good and bad.
Ancient Greece: God of War
If somehow you think that living in Ancient Greece would solve your economic woes, think again. The Ancient Greece that Kratos inhabited was a vile, violent place. With gods destroying major cities left and right, and dudes cutting each other with crazy blades, this is probably a place you want to avoid.
Not to mention, the main form of currency is red orbs that represent the souls of slain enemies. I mean, call me a loser, but any society where my eternal soul can be traded for a porn mag and some cigs is not a place where I want to earn my keep.
The Mushroom Kingdom: Super Mario Series
In terms of places to live, the Mushroom Kingdom might be where itâs at. Sure, thereâs a megalomaniacal lizard that keeps abducting the commander-ess in chief, but theyâve got their own âJoe the Plumberâ to assist in that matter.
What really makes this place worth warping to is the gold that flows like milk and honey. Seriously, the crap is all over the place. Shake a tree? Gold. Smash a brick with your face? Gold. Hell, even the freaking animals have the stuff inside of them, apparently having devoured it for nourishment. You know what that means? Piñatas full of bank.
Also, your vehicle burns clean, as it is actually a dinosaur. For real.
Counter-Strike: Source
So, you want to be a part of an elite counter-terrorism unit and join the fight against terror? Well, Iâve got good news. Those guys get paid, apparently. At least, in the world of Counter-Strike they do. And you donât even have to wait two weeks for your paycheck.
Since youâre going up against the worldâs most notorious criminals, you’re going to need the right arsenal of liberating weapons. This is why it makes sense that youâd receive direct deposits based on how many baddies you kill. Kind of twisted, really. Headshot a guy, get some cash. Blow up a bombsite, get some cash. At least there are fines for things like killing hostages. I mean, that makes it a little less disturbing, right?
And just to ensure that the war on terror economy doesn’t become too unbalanced, you even get bonuses whether you win or lose. Not a bad deal, if you ask me… Unless a bunch of awps flood the market. Thanks, whores.
Liberty City: Grand Theft Auto IV
We all know that spending money helps a staggering economy, and Liberty City is perhaps the shopping capital of all video game-dom. With the amount of billboard and other media advertisement always at the peripherals, how does one not succumb to the overwhelming desire to descend into obsessive compulsive consumption?
On top of that, nearly everything is free. Besides dollar menus at restaurants and clothes that cost just a fraction of that thirty grand you got for smoking a couple of dudes, the only real money-squandering past time exists at the local strip club. And even then, only if you want an extra special dance.
This is especially odd considering that for half the game, Roman is bitching about needing more cash. If Iâm not mistaken, Niko has hundreds of thousands tucked away under his mattress in whatever studio loft his cousin is currently paying for. Since everything in the game is so abundant and free, this leads us to believe that Niko is a selfish bastard. Way to go Niko.
Rapture: Bioshock
While an underwater paradise might sound like the idea locale for a new start in a bustling economy, you might have to think again. The creepy clown vending machines should have been the first clue for Raptureâs citizens that they were due for a cataclysmic collapse on all fronts moral, economic and otherwise. It ainât right, Ryan.
So why is the economy of Rapture so spoiled? While moneyâs not too terribly hard to come by (hacking vending machines is more tedious than difficult), the real life blood of Rapture is Adam, and itâs just a little too rare. Well, itâs not exactly rare. It just requires some nimble ethical hopscotch or balls of steel to get the stuff, as it involves a) killing little girls or b) fighting their behemoth-ass guardians.
Can I get some food stamps instead?
Sim City
Any place where a stadium can be erected for $1000 sounds like a good place to live to me. Sim City has sprawling suburbs, an urban vibe and some of the fastest growing skyscrapers around. Rent is cheap, and you can lower taxes with a few entries on your computer. Want more money? Type âmore moneyâ. Yeah, youâre cheating the government, but who cares when thereâs no penalty for your corruption?
The one downside to all of this is that occasionally the powers-that-be get a little bored when the city is doing too well. Thatâs when the natural disasters will wipe your hometown off the face of the map. Just for kicks and giggles. I mean, itâs only exciting to watch that dollar count go up for so long. You know you did the same thing.
Battle.net: Diablo II
Picture a world where the only way to purchase goods and services in its economy was with a scarce resource, such as a barrel of oil. And say you’re just a regular guy. How would you go about getting your hands on a barrel of Texas Tea? Do you even know where to begin?
Now, for the sake of the metaphor, picture that because a whole barrel is required to purchase anything, even small goods like bubblegum or shampoo cost at least 1-2 barrels. Maybe even more. Still with me?
Finally, imagine that you’ve spent all this time accumulating enough barrels of oil to finally get ahead in your miserable life. You’re ready to buy your house, maybe some weapons, whatever else fits your fancy. Then the government releases a patch that deletes all barrels of oil that were created illegally, and suddenly, your oil store is completely depleted, because unbeknownst to you, the barrels that you received had been duped.
Ok, if you successfully imagined all of that, then you know what it’s like to live in Diablo II’s online economy. Sure, Diablo II is a fun game and all, but dealing with Sojs (Stones of Jordan) is like putting a cigarette out in your pee hole.
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So, these are some of the most ludicrous, outlandish and strange fictional economies in video games. If these places really existed, our world would be a strange place indeed. Or at least, stranger than it already is.
What do you guys think? Got anything that we left out?
Omg I’m so glad you picked up on the GTAIV thing. The other day I did a mission that pays off $250,000 which brought my grand total to about 400k. I then get a call from someone and Niko proceeds to tell that person how he is “Just doing any job he can get” and “Trying to get by with what little he has”.
Fuck you Niko! 400 grand could make you, Roman and any girls you might have live quite happily for the rest of your miserable brown, sepia toned, escort mission life.
P.S I removed any specifics about Mission names and people and relationships for spoilers purposes. I’m nice like that.
I like Mushroom Kingdom and CS:S. I always feel like a hitman in counter strike, even though it’s technically patriotic.
lol, the css one reminds me of FPS Doug… ‘I hear there’s no respawn point in RL’…
i feel left out cuz i havent played most of these games :(…
btw… offtopic, but there’s this virus that spread through over 9 million computers since tuesday… it’s on the yahoo front page, 1st article, as of Jan 21/09)… just to warn you guys… I mean… how could you possibly finish ltw with a virus? đ
Is a man not entitled?
I really liked this article. I think that you should MMOs into this list.
Star Wars Galaxies had the craziest economy. Completely player driven, the rate of inflation was insane. Before my guild got a tailor and an armor smith, I would spend a ridiculous amount of credits on cloaks and body armor.
To get credits, my friend and I would go up into space in his Devastator (named the The Aluminum Raven), and camp space pirate spawn points. Once our hold was full of ill-gotten loot, we’d hi-tail it back to Corellia and hock our wares on the open market. We were rolling in dough by the time the game tanked.
Bottlecaps in Fallout 3, that economy is flooded. And 1 nuka-colar costs around 12 caps for the one bottlecap and some irritated liquid.
Yes, MMOs should make the list for having credit sellers using real money for credits, evil.
Sam and Max if you’ve ever played it. The amounts of money they pay for trivial things is almost un-nerving.
Can’t think of any others off the top of my head..
Yeah, Fallout 3 very nearly made it onto this list, and had it been 8 economies, I would have included it.
If you had some balls, it didn’t matter if you met a merchant in the middle of the wasteland. Just own him, take his bottlecaps and his wares!
Also, “King Dude” credit goes to Mitch. Originally it was about Kojima, but it’s cool.
haha any city where you can build a stadium for 1 k is where i wanna live lol gold
I always wanted be payed like the counter strike guys do at real work. 100$ for an hour
hm… I dont cause Natural disasters in Sim City… the Game makes sure that I get hit by 5 hurricanes, and 2 Tornados in a one-year period when Im actually doing good. Did I mention that my prisons ALL GOT DESTROYED by every disaster? I think that the game is telling me that crime is a good thing… or am I mis-interpreting something here?
Also, Love killing some guy, and getting $300 right after the deed is done
Great post and very timely as well.
You could also talk about Hyrule, and their popular custom of hiding rupees in the grass and bushes. =)
Sim City an stuff are a Tiny (HUGELY) stuffed up.
But if it was just a happy and peaceful town, with no bodies or houses being thrown around, would that be any fun? NO!
Soz for Double post but,
I think Eddy got Diablo II sussed, that was pretty stuffed up.
The only way you got anywhere was dupes, an then BattleNet had 2 ruin all the fun.
This seems not too disimilar to a certain IGN feature. Who copied who?
[quote comment=”3988″]Bottlecaps in Fallout 3, that economy is flooded. And 1 nuka-colar costs around 12 caps for the one bottlecap and some irritated liquid.
Yes, MMOs should make the list for having credit sellers using real money for credits, evil.
Sam and Max if you’ve ever played it. The amounts of money they pay for trivial things is almost un-nerving.
Can’t think of any others off the top of my head..[/quote]
LOL and the ridiculous amounts u have to pay to Rosco (?) for complete pieces of trash
[quote comment=”4016″]This seems not too disimilar to a certain IGN feature. Who copied who?[/quote]
You mean the one where they talked about gaming characters harmful to the economy? Totally a different topic.
[quote comment=”3989″]
Also, “King Dude” credit goes to Mitch. Originally it was about Kojima, but it’s cool.[/quote]
Thought that seemed familiar. đ Thanks for the shout-out, Eddy. I think President Obama deserves King Dude a bit more than Kojima. Maybe Kojima-san can be Prince Awesome.
I love Fallout 3’s economy. 100 caps for a book or a bottle of Quantum? Sure, why not. I’d be getting money for mapping too, if the Rangers didn’t suddenly decide to go hostile on me.
Hehehe this was amusing. I laugh at Fallout 3’s economy. XD Bottlecaps? Haha its just funny to think on. Makes sense though, we look at paper and other metals and attach value. Just, when I open a water bottle I dont get a dollar đ
[quote comment=”4019″][quote comment=”4016″]This seems not too disimilar to a certain IGN feature. Who copied who?[/quote]
You mean the one where they talked about gaming characters harmful to the economy? Totally a different topic.[/quote]
I wasn’t accusing you of plagerism. Just thought one was inspired by the other.