Captainâs Log Stardate 456335.45
The ruthless bastards loyal readers of GamerSushi have made their voices heard and chosen a game for me to blog about. Sadly, their voices are that of demons from the 6th Circle of Hell, for they have chosen Phantasy Star. In order to properly blog about this game, I have traveled back in time to 1988.
Things were different back then: Michael Jackson was still more black than white, pro wrestling still pretended to be real and the world had no idea who Jar Jar Binks was. One could say it was a simpler, more innocent time. But that person clearly had never played Phantasy Star, a game that some legends claim not to have been made by a team of men, but rather spawned from the loins of Dick Cheney during the pagan festival of Bel Tine. Historians say that Donald Rumsfeld presented a Sega Master System to Saddam Hussein as a gesture of goodwill. Saddam promptly destroyed both items and cut all ties with America, declaring: âEvil like this should not existâ.
So here we go.
Now, I go into this knowing nothing about the game. I played Phantasy Star IV for a weekend when I was a kid, but thatâs about it. So I have no idea about plot or game mechanics whatsoever. So I put the disc in ( I am playing this on Sonicâs Ultimate Genesis Collection for the PS3), got myself a Pepsi (Free plug! Sponsorship welcome!) and sat down to play. I am greeted with some pretty bouncy music at the title screen. Maybe this wonât be so tough. START.
Ok, some dude named Nero is getting killed by some soldiers. Apparently, Nero was talking trash about Lassic and is getting killed for it. Oh and Nero is my brother, too. My characterâs name is Alis and whoa! I am a hot chick! Sweet. Whoops, brother is dying. He tells me I need to seek out Odin, who will be of help on my quest. Wait, I am on a quest? Donât I have a funeral to plan, relatives to call and things like that? And you know, for a guy who thinks he is about to die, he is pretty coherent. Maybe we need to get a second opinion. Nevermind, heâs dead. So I am free to explore the town, apparently no memorial service will be held for Nero. Nero, OdinâŚthatâs Roman and Norse mythology in the first minute of the game. I hope Shiva makes an appearance. I enter a building and the perspective changes from overhead to First-Person. Awesome, this is making me seasick and all the walls look the same. I can easily see myself getting all kinds of lost in larger caves. There are no enemies in here and I grab a treasure chest full of mesetas. Apparently, I am in Mexico of the future. So this is a sci-fi/fantasy setting, which would explain the spaceport located to the west of Camineet, the town where I am currently.
A quick check of the stores reveal I canât afford to even breathe the air inside them. Also, healing items consist of COLA and BURGER. So I guess McDonalds won the space race against Taco Bell. Some guy in town hands me a Laconian Pot and tells me this might help. Help what? Cook something? Do I smoke it and try to forget that my brother just died? How do things like this even come up in conversation? Anyhoo, talking to the locals reveal that Odin was last seen in Scion, a town to the east of here. There are guards keeping me from going to the spaceport right now without a PASS.
About these guards: they look just like Clone Troopers. I mean, for real. 
Someone needs to sue someone because I freaked right out when I saw a Clone Trooper from Star Wars blocking my way to the spaceport. An idea occurred to me, though. These guys work for the bad guy, Lassic. Maybe I can turn them against him. I looked in vain for an option on the menu that would allow me to say, âExecute Order 66â, but to no avail. So Lassic keeps his Clone Troopers and I lose a little more of my dignity. Moving on, itâs time to grind for levels and buy a freaking better sword!
That concludes the first post, hope you guys enjoyed it. I have some major grinding to do. Later this week, Part II: Owl Bears Make Me Cry will be posted. Here’s a preview:
Look, an Owl Bear! Oh, SH!T FLEE! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!
Stay tuned!
Wow, this was really hilarious. Great write up of the game so far. It’s cool to read what someone playing it thinks of it, as it is one of those classic games that I’ve never gotten around to playing.
The pot paragraph cracked me up, btw. Looking forward to more!
Haha. Great write up man. Looking forward to the next post.
(btw, I bought TMNT: Turtles in Time for the SNES a couple days ago… Nostalgia ensues!
Well written =D
“So I guess McDonalds won the space race against Taco Bell.”
HA! I love how you guys can always make movie refs, in this case that Sylvester Stalone movie where he’s frozen and then thawed out in the future. Demolition Man was it?
In case you’re wondering if your pain is necessary, Anthony, I am thoroughly enjoying myself.
MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
[quote comment=”7614″]Well written =D
“So I guess McDonalds won the space race against Taco Bell.”
HA! I love how you guys can always make movie refs, in this case that Sylvester Stalone movie where he’s frozen and then thawed out in the future. Demolition Man was it?[/quote]
yes, that was Demolition Man.
Have fun grinding, I’ll will be with you spiritually by playing some fun and enjoyable dungeon crawls in oblivion.
Haha! Nice Anthony. I wish we can see a video of you playing live XD
[quote comment=”7618″]Haha! Nice Anthony. I wish we can see a video of you playing live XD[/quote]
It’s not that exciting. Picture me on my bed playing, pausing every few minutes to jot down something in my notebook, usually saying, “WTF?” at the same time.
“yes, that was Demolition Man.”
Sweet, knew I got that one ^_^
“Itâs not that exciting. Picture me on my bed playing, pausing every few minutes to jot down something in my notebook, usually saying, âWTF?â at the same time.”
I’d watch it.
Nice commentary, makes me want to see the next one… (OWL BEAR?!?!)
by the way, how much gameplay does each blog post cover? Just so I have a better feel for the pace of the game.
[quote comment=”7623″]Nice commentary, makes me want to see the next one… (OWL BEAR?!?!)
by the way, how much gameplay does each blog post cover? Just so I have a better feel for the pace of the game.[/quote]
To be honest, this post is about 10 minutes. But I am long-winded. Next post will cover more, but some of it is grinding and I have to explain the set-up/battle system and all that.
Well, this is now officially on my List Of Things To Play When I Get A PS3. Having never owned a Genesis and only heard fables of this wundergame, I feel now that I too must give it a try. Someday.
This game is so weird to me. On the picture you posted, there’s a flying eyeball, a wizard and a flame-encompassed sword. Then, you’re at a space port being stopped by a Republic commando. Owl bears? My head hurts. Looking forward to the next post!
As much as I enjoyed the post, in my opinion it’s really damn short. A third of the intro is dedicated to the 80’s intro. I’m sure it’ll get better as it goes along, and sure, starting off it won’t be the best damn thing ever. Keep it goin’.
[quote comment=”7634″]As much as I enjoyed the post, in my opinion it’s really damn short. A third of the intro is dedicated to the 80’s intro. I’m sure it’ll get better as it goes along, and sure, starting off it won’t be the best damn thing ever. Keep it goin’.[/quote]
Well, to be fair, this is GamerSushi. Byte sized bits. I plan on them being short, but frequent, as long as the grinding doesn’t get to excessive.
Hm, frequent would solve that problem. I blame other blogs being longer for this. đ
This was awesome. Great job Anthony, i was laughing the whole way through and i almost cried at the Clone Trooper part. I cant wait till the next post.