A new fantastic point of view…no one to tell us no! Or where to go! Or say we’re only dreaming…sorry. Aladdin was a big hit when I was a kid. So I arrive on Motavia. One small step for man, one giant leap for Alis who is clearly desperate to escape the humdrum tropical world of Palma. Motavia is a desert planet, but you wouldn’t know it from the spaceport. Looks like every other area I have visited so far. The townsfolk are friendly and the Clone Troopers stay out of my way thanks to PASSPORT and PASS. I sip my newly poured cold Pepsi (sponsor?) with satisfaction at my newfound bad-assery.
There are a few interesting tidbits, like the fact that there are Ant Lions in the desert and you can’t cross over them on foot. Um, I am new to this world, but would anyone try to cross something called an Ant Lion on anything less than a freaking Sherman tank? Maybe us Palmans (from Palma!) are just more cautious or something, but it seems like a sensible approach, if you ask me. Now, something this one guy told me literally made me pause and just stare at the screen for a few moments: apparently, in a cave called Naula back on Palma (home of the Palmans!) there is a cake shop. That’s right. A freaking cake shop. Even in 1988, with cocaine everywhere, how the hell did this idea get through the 6 people it took to make this game? I say 6 because it is a number associated with the Devil. A cake shop. WTF. A cake shop in the middle of an enemy-infested cave. Fan. Freaking. Tastic.
The plot thickens quite a bit as I enter this one shop and the merchant offers to sell me a strange animal for 1 BILLION mesetas. Clearly, this guy just finished watching Austin Powers. Naturally, Alis, being a master negotiater tells him where he can shove that strange animal. Then, he notices the strange pot I have. You remember that Laconian Pot that was forced on me back at the very start of the game? Well, this MacGuffin has found its purpose! Ah, JRPGs, you always show the way. So being that I have found no use at all for this item, I trade it for the strange animal. Which begs the question: what does this Laconian Pot do? It’s worth 1 Billion mesetas? Why can’t I sell this to someone and buy my own personal droid army and defeat Lassic myself? He has no Jedi that I know of, so surely this would turn out differently than the Prequel Trilogy, right? Right???
The game changes to a cut scene and Alis asks the animal what its name is. I will repeat. I ask the animal what its name is. As you may have guessed, that isn’t the strange part. It answered me. BOOM. Mind blown. The cat is talking to me. Suddenly, my glass of Pepsi doesn’t seem so innocent. I suspect foul play. Someone has spiked my Pepsi. Either that or cocaine was even more prevalent in 1988 than I was led to believe. So Myau, as the cat calls itself, tells me that it happens to know Odin. Of COURSE it does. And Odin is trapped in Medusa’s Cave, turned into stone. Odin clearly wasn’t the only one stoned during the making of this game.
Myau then reveals that it has the cure to Odin’s stoned state and no, it’s not Oreos! There is a vial on a necklace that Myau is wearing. Very tasteful necklace, too. But here is the best part: the cat can’t open the bottle. No opposable thumbs!
So let me get this straight: this cat knew Odin. This cat knew Odin was going into a cave where he might get turned to stone. This cat has a the cure for such a thing on its very feline body, but can’t open it without assistance from a higher primate. How the hell do things like this even happen? Who gave Myau the vial? How does Myau know Odin since Odin is all the way on another planet? What drugs were taken during the making of this game and how I can get some?
All this leads to something I really didn’t expect: Myau joined the party. I have a cat for a companion. And I am a girl. Oh, stereotypes, will you never cease to amaze? After getting my new friend, I further explore this new town. Turns out the Governor here doesn’t like Lassic. Remember him? He killed my brother at the start of the game because my brother, Nero, was opposed to him. Problem is, I still don’t know why Nero was against Lassic. Maybe my brother is totally batshit and Lassic was well within his rights to terminate Nero. But whatever, he’s not batshit, he’s my brother and I will avenge him. Oh and breaking news: the Governor of Motavia likes sweets and if I want to get a meeting with him, I need to bring a gift. Remember that cake shop in that cave? It all makes perfect sense now! If you slam your head against the wall for an hour or so, at least.
I guess that’s it for now, but join me next time as I take my feline pal out for a stroll in the battlefield. Here’s a sneak peek at Part IV – To Rescue A Stoner…
Myau! Duck! Whoops. Good thing he has nine lives, hehe. Myau? Myau? MYYYYYAAAAAUUUUUU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!
This has to be one of the worst storylines that i’ve seen, especially since the story works as well as a broken cup ducktaped together.
Ugh, i’m stupid.
It took me forever to understand that Myau = Meow. And it’s a cat-like thing. HURR DURR =(
[quote comment=”7697″]Ugh, i’m stupid.
It took me forever to understand that Myau = Meow. And it’s a cat-like thing. HURR DURR =([/quote]
Uhh, I’m stupider. I didn’t get it until you just wrote that… I for real feel dumb.
Anyways, Anthony, great write up once again. Who would have thought playing this game would provide all of us with entertainment at your expense.
God, this game has been on my list for about three years. I have a thing for JRPGs that are borderline between badly translated and badly written. See FF1.
This game isn’t that bad. The dungeons suck, but the overworld is fun.
Snaaaake!! =D
lol Myau = Meow, just noticed too.
Video games. Proving you are their bitch, one lost life at a time.
these get funnier everytime.
“the cat is talking to me. suddenly my glass of pepsi doesnt seem dso innocent.”
I can barely even read from laughing at this.keep it coming
Whole New World? Has someone been playing Phantasy Star Online?
You can’t cross over the desert because there are antlions? that sounds familiar…
[quote comment=”7719″]You can’t cross over the desert because there are antlions? that sounds familiar…[/quote]
I know! I said that, too!
That “I’m Myau” picture is going to my desktop…