Phantasy Star Game Blog Part IX: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???

Having finished off the ice planet of Dezoris, I head back to Palma, buy some Diamond Armor and make sure everyone is ready to go. I buy lots of Burgers for healing, as well. Maybe I should have stopped at White Castle and gotten a suitcase. My party heads to the Gate of Baya Malay, which is the worst and least scary name of a dungeon ever. It actually sounds like one of those resorts that you always hear about but have no idea where it is. Like the Lesser Antilles or something. Sidenote: the Lesser Antilles makes me think of Wedge Antilles having a younger brother who parks spaceships for a living. But that isn’t possible, because Wedge only had a sister and she was older than him before his parents were killed in a tragic fuel depot accident. Yes, I am the biggest Star Wars nerd ever.

So I enter the Gate and all that build up for a long ass maze with no enemies. Which normally would be a relief but now just fills me with a great sense of foreboding. Then again, it might be that Burger King I had for dinner. Oh, there is a Robot Cop who stops me and demands to see my passport, which I show him, but he attacks me anyway. Robot Cop, dead or alive, you are coming with me! Actually, just dead and I left his smoking, sparking carcass behind. I exit and enter another cave and then a tower. Could this be it? Alas, no, at the top is a guy who asks me some questions and then gives me a Crystal which allows me to open any sealed doors without using my magic OPEN spell. This is a great thing, as it will save me MP in the end. I warp back to town, heal up and start again.

I use the Crystal to enter the tower, which is 25 stories! And from what I understand, it’s not a straight climb, but a maze of going up and then back down and all kinds of hell. Once again, thanks to my readers for picking this game. There is a special hell reserved for you. After many enemies (the random encounter rate is off the charts here. Once again: Special Hell.) and many false turns, I make it to the 24th floor when BAM! A trap sends me back to the very beginning. But what’s that? I am a hardcore, dyed in the wool RPG veteran and this ain’t my first rodeo so I saved when I got to that floor? Instant reset and reload and we are back on track. I would like to thank me for being awesome. No power in the ‘verse can stop me!

I make it to the top and I use the AERO Prism, which makes the sky change colors and a floating castle appear in the clouds. I picked a hell of day to quit sniffing glue! My party tells me to feed that Laerma Nut to Myua. So give my magic nut to the pussy cat. That’s hot. Myau becomes enveloped in flames and emits a blinding light. I wonder if Dr. Mad still wants a piece of this pussy cat now? Myau grows wings! Awesome, this better equal more damage or something in battle. Myau flies us to the floating castle thingy, but we are attacked in mid-air by a Gold Dragon. That’s a color I don’t have on my notched belt of dead dragons, so we quickly whip his gold ass into a stupor and land on the castle. We enter and it’s a new dungeon. Oh, joy. Wait, Lassic is waiting inside for me! We quickly killed him, but it was just a Fake Lassic, a Shadow. Boo! We continue on and there he is, the real deal.

Hello. My name is Alis Something-or-other. You killed my brother. Prepare to die. In a new twist, Lassic can use his magic to attack my entire party at one time, which causes all manner of havoc for me. One by one, the party falls, leaving only Alis left, which is poetic justice because she delivers the deathblow! Holy crap! I did it! A message appears telling me that Nero, Alis’ brother, is satisfied in heaven. Which is kind of interesting that we are getting telegrams from the afterlife, but whatever, I mean, the cat grew wings! The party says we should hurry to the Governor of Motavia. Soun—What?? Oh. Oooohhh. Oh. Here’s a hint: when you beat what you think is the final boss, but the game tells you to travel somewhere else, that means it wasn’t the final boss. I can totally tell that Square Enix loved this game when they first played it.

So we head back to the esteemed home of the Motavians, but first, I stop to restock and heal up. Like I said, this isn’t my first time doing this. After arriving, the Governor is not there and I fall through a trap! After traveling down a loooong tunnel, he is waiting for me. But he is not the Governor, he is Dark Falz. Seriously? Dark Falz? Who is Dark Falz, you ask? Well, he is the embodiment of all evil and also the very first Super Secret Bad Guy You Didn’t Know Existed But Was Really Behind The Whole Thing From The Start. Or, his shorter name, SSBGYDKEBWRBTHTFTS. His name is totally pronounceable, but it does require a lot of saliva.

In an evil turn of events, there is no HP counter for Dark Falz, which means I have no idea how my attacks are doing, so I just use the strongest stuff I have that has been working the whole game. And prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. Alis attacks and heals when needed, Myau does the same, Noah just attacks with his Wind spell and Odin just attacks. Oh, and Noah also dies. Not good. After several turns of this my team is getting weak, but BOOM! Odin kills Dark Falz! I BEAT IT! The real Governor appears, telling me I saved the Universe. All in a day’s work, my friend. In a shocking bit exposition, we learn that Alis’ father was once king and Alis now becomes Queen! How utterly trite. The sky clears and peace is returned. Pictures of the cast are shown and I am told that though the evil has faded, our names will live forever.

So that’s it. It’s over. Honestly, I really liked this game. In 1988, it must have been amazing to play, but it’s still pretty awesome even today. To summarize it succinctly: Game beat. Asses kicked. Names taken. Time for a beer and a much deserved rest. If you guys liked this, I will do another one sometime, but only after a brief hiatus. Thanks for reading!