Microsoft Fanboy Rant

DISCLAIMER: THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS POST ARE SOLELY THOSE OF THE MICROSOFT FANBOY AND DO NOT REFLECT THE VIEWS OF THE GAMERSUSHI STAFF. ALSO, THIS IS A PARODY POST, SO DON’T LEAVE COMMENTS THINKING THIS IS REAL OR THE MORON POLICE WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND KNOCK THE STUPID RIGHT OUT OF YOU.

First off, **** you.

Whew, had to get that off my chest. Listen up noobs, I am 13 and I have a 360 and it’s the only console I will ever need and I will tell you why: because anyone who doesn’t have one is a ******. I got mine on launch day, bitches. I even bought a second one three days later because mine turned red from all the awesome it was spewing. In fact, the 360 has so much awesome in it, I am on my 24th. Name one console so epic it takes two dozen of them to channel its powerful essence. I’m waiting… What’s the matter? Lag?

I thought I should mention how Sony seems to be gaining some ground with its price cuts (copy cats) and exclusives (all lame). Who wants to play Uncharted 2? If I want a third-person cover based shooter, I got Gears, thank you. I prefer my protagonists to have no necks and even less personality. And as for God of War 3, bah. Kratos looks likes Vin Diesel fell into a vat of baby powder. Give me Ninja Gaiden anyday! (What? They have an improved version of Ninja Gaiden on the PS3? Your mom has an improved version on the PS3!)

Despite all that, some morons keep buying PS3s, which is so lame. What do they have this year? Heavy Rain? If I want to watch a game, I will put in my HD-DVD copy of Advent Children. Besides, we have Alan Wake and everyone knows that games that take that long to make are always the best, just like Too Human. And don’t even get me started on the 360 version of Final Fantasy XIII, which is going to blow the PS3 version away! I know, you think they are identical, but I heard that there is so much more content on the 360 version that they are putting it out on multiple discs, while the puny PS3 only gets 1 disc! FOR THE WIN, CAMPERS!

And I know, the Wii and Nintendo are still winning. Who cares? They have their crappy motion control, running around looking like Adam Lambert with their tiny, white remotes, playing that casual crap. I don’t need that, I am going to get Natal and I will be looking like a Jedi pimp! No controllers here, douch nozzles! Just the power of the 360, Natal and the Force, all combining to make the most epic games ever. I never cared for handball before, but now that I don’t have to leave the house to play it, I am going to be all about that. And there will be no casual games, because no casual gamer would buy a $200 console and then for over another $100 plus bucks to play casual games. That means all hardcore games all the time! I’m Rick James, bitch!

So keep your lame ass Mario games, your fruity Zelda games with those puzzles that no one can figure out. I don’t want to play anything that doesn’t involve a gun, a headset and a plot that makes Hideo Kojima roll his eyes. Speaking of Kojima, Metal Gear Solid has always been a piece of crap, but now we get our own version and it’s going to be the bomb! The only problem with it is it’s not a shooter.

See, I love shooters. Halo 3, Halo 3: ODST, Gears of War, Call of Duty and Rainbow Six are all great, but I want more. I just don’t think the FPS is really represented on the 360. Final Fantasy XIII is cool and all, but I want to fire that gun of Lightning’s myself, not press a button and watch the game do it for me! I think Viva Pinata would be better in first person, with plasma grenades and rechargeable health. My appetite for destruction is still strong!

And shooters work better online and we all know that the 360 has the best online community of any place EVAR. I get to meet people like me, who hate camping, except when we do it and like to tell other people how much they fail at life because we are better than them at a video game. Telling someone they are gay simply because they shot me once is the whole reason to go online and play. Everyone does it and if you don’t like, it’s cause you are gay, too. It just feels like home on Xbox Live. I even like it when I can hear some poor loser’s mom telling him to quit playing and go do his homework or else she will throw that thing in the trash. Those kids suck at life and I would never put up with that crap from my moth—(Coming, Mom!) Gotta go, noobs. (I know you said 10 minutes, Mom, I was pwning noobs!)

NUKE INCOMING, LADIES! COMMENCE TEABAGGING!