GameCop Vs LameCop Vs PsychoCop

We’re back with our three favorite enforcers, ready to weigh in on a few hot topics which have cropped up in the past couple of weeks: EA Louse, Gran Tourismo and Fallout: New Vegas’ less than perfect launch.

As always, these sorts of eyebrow-raising news stories are perfect fodder for the Cops. Here’s how they break down: GameCop is a sensible gamer, looking out for your best interests. LameCop is your average forum troll, causing havoc for the lulz, while PsychoCop should be locked up for everyone’s safety. Keep reading to find out what they have to say on these issues:

Issue 1

The blogosphere recently got a little hotter thanks to a whistle blower calling himself EA Louse who expunged a few dirty secrets about EA’s two high profile MMOs, Warhammer Online and The Old Republic. He’s obviously an employee with a bone to pick, but is this fair or foul?

GameCop: Eddy

This is kind of a tricky issue here, but I would have to say foul, although I lean towards a “push”. Having worked for incompetent higher-ups in all kinds of environments, I understand the frustration and the desire to stick it to the suit that makes paychecks while you’re pushing pixels and working your butt off for only a fraction of the pay. If his claims are true (and some have already been debunked), EA Louse had it pretty rough in his time working at Mythic – but you can’t just blaze your bridges and detonate them thousands of pounds of Minecraft TNT as you ride away into the sunset.

If EA Louse is found out, he’s probably going to have a hard time getting a job at game devs in the future, and that’s not even considering his legal issues. Foul dude. When someone breaks up with you, go get your hair did and come back hotter than before. Don’t go post their dirty pictures on Facebook.

LameCop: Anthony

What a typical, fair-minded approach to it, Eddy. You belong in video game hell along with the rest of the mutant horde at Mythic and EA. EA Louse, a poor game developer, is just trying to survive in a corporate hellhound eat hellhound world and he exercised his right as a human being to express his views, however one sided and libelous they may be.

But does he care about libel? No! True pioneers never do. What he cares about is you and me and our mutual desire to make our character dance while playing an MMO. Isn’t that the reason people play those? Don’t tell me otherwise because I have a mountain of evidence in the form of YouTube videos to back that claim up. EA Louse has every right to say whatever he feels like saying about his corporate masters. We should all be so brave.

PsychoCop: Mitch

I heard from a friend of a friend of mine one night over a tin-foil hat making session that there exists an “EA Grouse”, locked in an eternal war against video game publishers with EA Spouse and EA Louse. Their pact was forged in the deep core of the Nega-Earth, the battles are ones of corporate shenanigans, expunged only when humanity reaches the Golden Age of Teh Internetz.

Now that Spouse and Louse have fired their salvos, all that remains is for Grouse to blow the doors of EA and make us wear special sunglasses to reveal that they are all aliens! He’s here to reveal deep-rooted conspiracy theories and chew bubble gum. And he’s all out of bubble gum.

Issue 2

Gran Tourismo 5 just experienced yet another delay from November 2 to “the holiday season”, and the developers recently came out apologizing for the up-coming title’s frame rate hiccups. Is GT5 just becoming one big joke?

GameCop: Anthony

Okay, calm down everyone, please retreat to a neutral corner. This delay is frustrating, I know, especially since they finally put out a hard release date. But the game is still coming, according to Sony, “this holiday season” and I don’t think they would give themselves that window unless it were true. Why paint themselves into a corner if they don’t believe they can make it?

Gran Turismo 5 will still sell millions. I’ve never heard anyone refusing to buy a game because of delays and after all, wouldn’t you rather have it polished to glossy perfection than need to be patched the first day? It’s highly annoying, but we should be thankful that someone cares enough to seek perfection, rather than release now and fix later.

LameCop: Mitch

Neutral, sir? I will show you neutral. Me and my 4chan brothers have had enough of GT5’s endless delays, and we will show Polyphony what we really demand by purchasing millions of copies of Gran Tourismo 4! That’s right, if they’re not going to release their new game, we’ll protest it by buying their old ones! That’ll show them for a slavish dedication to releasing the best racing game of all time.

Patience is for the weak, the old, and the high-IQ. Gamers are people of action. I don’t care if GT5 will make me question my grip on reality with its silky smooth graphics, I want it now! I am the customer, and therefore must be appeased at all times! At least the lead developer knows how to grovel at my feet.

PsychoCop: Eddy

A developer apologized to me about frame rate issues? You must be mistaken sirs, because the last time a developer apologized to me is when Hideo Kojima “stumbled” upon my hidden stash of ‘shrooms at TGS back in 2003. All kidding aside (it was actually cocaine, not ‘shrooms), I’ve been trying to get developers to apologize to me for years. I have sent many strongly worded letters telling these nutjobs exactly what I think about their stupid games, and not once has any of them replied except with restraining orders, whatever that means. Maybe they’ll re-think that when I’m restraining my fist all over their faces.

Some of the developers I’ve written include Miyamoto, who I demanded an apology from for getting Cheeto dust lodged in my SNES controller while playing Super Mario RPG. I also e-mailed Cliffy B to complain about Futurama getting taken off the air and sent messages to David Jaffe that the God of War was not a painstaking recreation of the story of Ares, start to finish. HELLO HE IS THE ACTUAL GOD OF WAR LOOK IT UP.

That being said, Gran Turismo 5 is going to have cars in it and for that I think it will suck. More lasers. Also, jetpacks.

Issue 3

Fallout: New Vegas is out, and it’s full of mutated launch bugs. It is right to make gamers pay for half-finished products?

GameCop: Mitch

Here we go again, friends, another buggy release followed by a multitude of apologies and patching. I’m all for getting a game out to the public, but not at the cost of rotating heads, mutli-eyed dogs and game locks. Obviously QA can’t catch every bug, but if the Internet is flooded with videos and your forums are chock full of complaints on the first day, chances are you should have delayed the title a bit.

While people are happy to have New Vegas in their hands (and from personal experience it is awesome when it works), it’s unfair to expect people to continually buy half-made products and hope that a barrage of patches and a nicely-worded PR statement will mend fences. The online connectivity of consoles is meant to enhance the longevity of games through DLC, not for you to cover your ass on launch day. This is doubly insulting for those who are just plain unable to connect to the Internet for whatever reason. Life is probably difficult enough, and now you’re needling them for a broken product.

LameCop: Eddy

Geez, dude, what’s up with all the Internet hate? The Web is good for at least 2 things:. 1) Patches. 2) Looking at noodz. 3) Flame wars. And that’s barely even scratching the surface. In this Internet age, we don’t have to worry about the gaming problems of old because patches make everything perfect. Blowing in your NES cartridge to fix a game? Patched. The VirtuaBoy sucks? Patched. If the Internet had been around back then, we would have had a lot less heartache. I mean, seriously, you’re going to argue against our games being the best they can be?

And don’t even start with the “not every gamer is connected” garbage. Let’s get real: the year is 2010 and Internet is just as much of a utility as electricity. If someone doesn’t have a connected game system, it probably means they also don’t have electricity so it’s not like they cant play the game anyway. Cough up the money and play our (eventually) perfect games the way they were meant to be, pansies.

PsychoCop: Anthony

You guys are totally missing the real danger here! Obsidian has been taken over by aliens, the kind that you don’t want to phone home. Using Obsidian’s penchant for bugs as a clever cover, these extraterrestrials are sending mind control messages through the patches for Fallout: New Vegas!

Sure, you may think the game is more stable and won’t crash less, but that’s just a cover so they can use subliminal messages to get you to do their evil bidding: buying Justin Bieber albums and growing your hair like him. Which is all pretty harmless until Tom Cruise reveals his true form as a Squid-Demon and opens up a portal to his home dimension of Ankarta and millions of Suri-clones invade and do battle with the Bieber Bots that we’ve all become. REPENT!

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So, the Cops have turned in their debrief! Any thoughts on their thoughts? Report!