GameCop Vs LameCop Vs PsychoCop: Summer Edition!

Gaming’s finest have returned, and they’ve got a slew of opinions and rants on several industry-related topics from the last few weeks: the Duke Nukem Forever PR debacle, the Lulzsec boat and the lone save file of Resident Evil: Mercenaries 3D.

By this point, you should all get the shtick, but in case you don’t: GameCop is a sensible gamer, looking out for your best interests. LameCop is your average forum troll, causing havoc for the lulz, while PsychoCop should be locked up for everyone’s safety.

Keep reading to find out what they have to say on these issues:

Issue 1

Duke Nukem’s PR maestro Jim Redner threatened to cut off press outlets that gave the game bad scores from future review copies. Is this a big deal, or something we already knew?

GameCop: Mitch

It seems to me that Jim Redner needs to work on the “Relations” part of his Public Relations job, because tweeting your vendetta to the whole world doesn’t exactly seem like a smart move to me. After Duke Nukem Forever got a good hiding from critics all over the world, Jim Redner took to Twitter to express his displeasure, saying that anyone who gave DNF a bad review would be blacklisted from any of 2K’s games in the future.

Even though 2K came out of the gate swinging saying that Jim Redner’s services were no longer needed, this event did cast quite the shadow over DNF’s launch. Furthermore, it gave us a sudden, sharp look into what game reviewers actually deal with on a daily basis. If this occurred over Duke Nukem, what goes on behind a Call of Duty game, or a similar release? It’s the job of a PR company to make sure that the game they represent has good press, but this went a little too far for everyone’s liking. As gamers and people who read review scores, this further darkens our impressions of the big media outlets and their official take on games. Jim Redner came to represent Duke Nukem in a heavy handed way and chew bubblegum… and he’s all out of bubble gum.

LameCop: Anthony

Allow me to introduce my Canadian friend to a foreign concept, one handed down by God Himself directly into the waiting hands of Thomas Jefferson: the First Amendment. “What’s that?”, you ask with an accent that is unmistakenly strange to American ears? It bestows freedom of speech to everyone in the country and since America rules the world, it extends all the peoples everywhere. Except for the Dixie Chicks. Screw them.

Jim Render was hired to represent Duke Nuke Em to the public, to let the teeming masses who had forgotten the glory of Duke know what exactly all the fuss is about. I think he succeeded admirable. Sure, he was a douche about all the scathing reviews, but Duke is a douche. He was merely playing the role, role-playing if you will, thereby creating an entirely new paradigm in Public Relations. I think he should be lauded for his efforts, not fired.

PsychoCop: Eddy

Greetings, gents! I am the celebrated and debonaire Duke of Nukem, Thomas Cockinbottom the 69th, here to talk to you about the PR of my borough, which in this case, doth mean “poverty rabble”. Jim Redner is
their leader, who is quite affable at parties, but a bit randy when dealing with his constituents.

Did you know, for instance, that the other day, Redner was heard to be speaking of Casterly Dingleberry’s mother? And the positions in which she- ah, nevermind. It is much too ghastly to speak upon. But I will have you know that his mother, mistress Dingleberry, happens to be a close friend of my aunt’s servant’s mister. So it goes without saying, that the Dingleberries and I are joined at the hind quarters. Anyway, they tell me that Redner often speaks ill of noblemen’s mothers, aye, and sisters, too.

So we’ll just see what he has to say about that when I deliver the official seal of the Duke of Nukem: We’re here to chew pastries and ruff a ruffian, but shine our shoes first.

Issue 2

Anarchy! Hacktivist group Lulzsec’s 50 day reign of terror and lul boats is now behind us, leaving several gaming companies in the wake of their devastation. How do you feel about it in retrospect?

GameCop: Eddy

While I can understand the “supposed” intention behind Lulzsec’s aims (a free Internet free of corporations and governments) I can hardly sympathize with them in the slightest. In this case, the ends certainly don’t justify the means, especially when users are hurt in the process. It seems like there are other, more beneficial ways to go about spreading your message, rather than breaking the law or leaking personal data. I mean, it would be the same thing if I went walking door-to-door in my neighborhood, kicking in their windows, stealing their stuff, and then claiming “should have protected your house better LOLZ.” There’s nothing noble about that, and I would rightly go to jail.

These hacker groups that really want to stand for something and call attention to a problem have many more viable methods available to them. It seems like the only option they’re leaving these governments that they hate is for a more closed Internet in the long term, because people are afraid of getting hacked. Although, to be fair, this whole ordeal has caused me to update all my passwords, so maybe there’s something to the madness after all… Nah.

LameCop: Mitch

Listen bro, the Lulz Boat will sail where it wants to, and right now it’s gently listing on a salty sea made entirely of the tears of people who use the same password for everything. Maybe if ya’ll didn’t have such a stuck up sense of humor, you’d realize that DDoSing EVE, LoL and Minecraft is hilarious, and stealing passwords is a rollicking good time. So what if these are “crimes”, they were done for the lulz, and that makes it OK in my book.

There’s only one way the people of the world are going to learn about Internet safety, and that’s breaking into their accounts and stealing all their shit. The Government is obviously powerless to do anything, because Lulzsec hacked everything with impunity for over a month with no consequences. So do us all a favor, broseph, and put on your Guy Fawke’s mask. These script kiddies are paving the way for the future, for the freedom of information and choice, so you’re either with us or we’ll hack the daylights out of you.

PsychoCop: Anthony

Greetings from LulzSec HQ. We’ve interrupted your regularly scheduled PsychoCop to bring you an important message: we are at peace. We mean you no harm. You see, we’re just artists and the Internet is our canvas. Your email addresses and passwords happen to be our paints. It’s nothing personal. We simply do what we do because we’ve been to a place no one can imagine: the End of the Internet. And you know what’s out there? More Internet.

But not the good, lulz kind of Internet. We’ve seen a future that’s so far advanced it becomes the past again. Think you’ll have those Facebook accounts forever? Think again. Friendster is making a comeback, baby. And WordPress, the very site that brings you this blog you’re currently reading? Taken over by Geocities. So why did this make us do what we did? For the simple fact that everything we know is going to change and not for the better. We wanted one last hurrah before our gmail accounts are replaced by AOL again. So forgive us. And change your password. Because we’re likely to get bored again.

Issue 3

Resident Evil: Mercenaries 3D only allows one save file which cannot be deleted, essentially crippling trade-ins of the game or multiple people sharing one 3DS. Fair or foul?

GameCop: Anthony

Capcom’s decision to only allow one permanent save file is pretty much a slap in the face to consumers. Many people, myself included, sometimes play a game like that until we get a grasp on things and then start over, playing from the beginning with our newfound skills and knowledge. This feature not only destroys any chance of that, but lending it to your friend, younger brother or trading it in. Ah…which is the reason for it.

I of all people undertstand the harm that used games do, but this is not the answer. GameStop will still accept it and sell it used and most of the unaware public would still buy it. Shoddy move, Capcom.

LameCop: Eddy

Whine, whine, whine, that’s all you gamers know how to do. OK, so maybe it allows just one save file. Some games should allow just one of everything, and then they would be perfect. Mario? One life. Zelda? One heart. You see where I’m going with this, and if you’re smart, you’d know that it was AWESOME.

Listen. Gamers are always wanting more creativity and originality in design, right? Quit crapping all over Capcom for trying to bring something new to the industry. I hope this leads to other games with one save file, or if we’re being really revolutionary, games with no save files to speak of at all. In fact, we should praise these guys. They could be the next makers of Minecraft, or some other game. All hail Capcom!

PsychoCop: Mitch

If anyone finds this post, read it carefully as it will serve you well in the days ahead. I am a traveler from the future, exploiting the continuous time stream of the Internet to bring you this warning (I turned back the clock on my copy of Windows XP). As with all of their past Resident Evil endeavors, Capcom is trying to train the unwashed masses in the ways of zombie warfare. This is why the RE games are never fun: because you’re learning, and when is being taught something a good time?

In order to circumvent the trading in of their instructional devices, Capcom has engineered a way to ensure that people will want to hang on to their copy of Zombie Killing 101, or Resident Evil: The Mercenaries 3D as it is known in your time. If the possibility of trading in a game for sweet, sweet store credit is gone, then people will be able to turn to their guides when the time comes. I hear a knocking on my door; it is Umbrella’s elite Zombie Shock Troopers! Heed my words, friends!

————

So, the Cops have turned in their statements! Any thoughts on their thoughts? Report!