I’m back! Let’s get to it! Using my newfound hovercraft, I can now traverse water. So I do. Millions of people flock to my, thinking me a new, high-tech version of Jesus. Ok, I made that part up. While roaming around, I come across an island, Drasgow. A guy there tells me a whole heap of stuff, like there was a giant rock floating through the sky and there is a magic sword on a forgotten island. Well, it can’t be THAT forgotten, can it?
In the town, I buy a GAS SHIELD, which should come in handy if Myau ever gets worms. Or to get pass that area covered by poison gas back on Motavia. Oh, I can’t wait to see the Motavians! Hey, this place kinda looks like that movie The Mist. You know, the one with the Punisher? In the middle of the mist there is a town, Sopia. The townsfolk are trapped there and they tell me Lassic is the cause of the gas. Maybe he has Irritable Bowel Syndrome. For a small donation (bastard) the town elder tells me of the MIRROR SHIELD, hidden on a small island in the middle of a lake. With this shield, I should be able to beat Medusa! Sweet. Oh and some guy asked me if I enjoy Sega games. *Boom* Fourth wall shattered. Along with the English language.
The shield is found, just where the elder said it would be. Off to Gothic to kick some Gorgon ass! I enter Medusa’s cave and boy is it easy to get lost and dead, what with all the dragons, stalkers and marauders hanging out down here. How do they all survive? Do they live here or is this some sort of job for them? Does Daddy Dragon come home from a hard day of guarding Medusa, Baby Dragon greeting him at the door and Mommy Dragon putting some nice charred dwarf flesh on the table for dinner? Just wondering.
After all this, Medusa turns out to be a pushover. I whipped her behind so hard that Baby Dragon felt it! Sweet! My prize is a Laconian Axe, which I gladly give to Odin. Oh, remember that island everyone forgot about? Turns out it’s about a 5 second trip via hovercraft from Scion, which is the second town you visit in this game! Does this whole universe suffer from Alzheimer’s or something or just really bad eyesight? Do they not have boats? Do they just stare at the water and sigh in a resigned fashion? Anyhoo, on that island is a tower. In that tower is a red dragon. In that red dragon is my foot, which I stuck deep in its fat red ass. My Dragon Hating Vendetta continues! And for my troubles (and lost shoe) I get a Laconian Sword, which Alis promptly equips. One more planet to explore, Dezoris, the ice planet!
Dezeoris has tons of mountains and ice that block most of my attempts to travel around here, which frankly sucks. In the first town, Skure, I find another Laconian Pot! For such a rare thing, these sure are plentiful. Kind of like Beanie Babies. Ooh, this has potential: there is a morgue here where the dead have risen. Zombies! Clearly, Sega was ahead of the trend in gaming. After traversing a series of small caves, I arrive at the morgue where I find a ton of zombies. THIS IS MY BOOM STICK! For some reason that I totally can’t even answer, there is a set of Laconian Armor hidden in a treasure chest in the morgue. Maybe it was in the chest where they place the personal possessions of the dead, but if that were true, why I am not fighting naked zombies?
Exiting the morgue, I find a city where they sell something called the Ice Digger. I wonder if I can use that to dig through all this ice blocking my way? Answer: hells yes! Using this, I find a cave in the middle of all the ice and a Titan, waiting to do battle with someone stupid enough to wander inside. Well, I happen to be just the right amount of stupid. Defeating the Titan gives me an AERO PRISM KEY. Yay? What the hell is this thing for? Unlocking Rainbow Road or something?
Further exploring leads me to a tower, in which waits a Dezorian. He has a sacred fire and will give me some of it on a torch for the Amber Eye. That seems like a pretty specific request. Did he really just sit there hoping some fool would stumble across his tower and climb all the way to the top with an item that can only be gained from killing a FREAKING DRAGON??? What is wrong with this universe? Anyhoo, he gives me the Eclipse Torch and I use it on solitary tree nearby. Which gives me a Laerma Nut, which apparently can only be stored in a Laconian Pot. Thank Jebus I have one handy. The Laerma Nut, if you will recall, was mentioned earlier as something that can transform a cat. Using it now does nothing on Myau, but I am sure it will come in handy later.
Well, I am ready to finally tackle the last dungeon and beat this sucker. Tune in next time for Part IX: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???