On March 9th, in the year two thousand and ten A.D., Square Enix (BOW YOUR HEAD IN REVERENCE, DOGS!) will finally unveil, for the first time in North America…
Final.
Fantasy.
XIII.
(Please exhale now)
So it has come to this. After years of waiting, years of sitting in front of a television, playing countless games not named Final Fantasy, it is time. Glory be to the gods, for they have deigned to shine their light upon us mere gaming mortals.
To give you an idea how much I love this series, allow me reveal a secret, something I have never revealed to anyone, except those that didn’t cover their ears and run away screaming from me: This is the only game that matters to me.
You read that right. This is the reason I upgraded to the new console generation. This is what keeps me playing games. Every single game I have played on the PS3, Wii or 360 has simply been a distraction to get me to this game. Grand Theft Auto 4, Fallout 3, Resident Evil 5 (Cover your eyes, Eddy)… all of them nothing more than obstacles on my way to the prize. I have been killing time for four long years and it’s almost over. Now time kills me. Wait, that’s not right…
Now, some of you may be asking what is so special about this particular Final Fantasy that has generated this kind of psychotic episode.
The answer?
Not a damn thing.
HD graphics? I still have an SDTV. (By the way: if I can’t read the text on my TV, I am going to throw my old TV out and go to the store THAT VERY MINUTE and buy an HDTV. I have already warned all loved ones and relatives about flying TVs on March 9th.)
Trophies? Not a factor. (Although, if one game could ever make me grind for all of them, it’s this one.)
The story? I am interested, but it’s not a compelling reason for me.
No, the reason I am so eager to play this Final Fantasy is because of one reason and only one reason: It’s the next one.
It’s two words (hint: Final Fantasy), followed by a number. No long and insane subtitle. No number, a dash and then another number to denote an actual sequel. Just a new world, new battle system and all new experience.
No other game series has as much change from one entry to the next. The difference between God of War and God of War 3 is not drastic. Even Mass Effect 2, which threw out many RPG elements, is merely a streamlined and highly refined version of the first game.
Only Final Fantasy does this with each sequel.
Not even highly disturbing rumblings from those that have played it can dampen my blind enthusiasm. No traditional towns? No problem! Maneuvering through Mass Effect’s gigantic Citadel is tiresome. Town exploring was always more fun in 2-D for me anyway.
Mostly linear? I am mostly ok with that. Final Fantasy X was very linear and all Final Fantasy games open up late in the game.
There is nothing anyone can tell me that could possible ruin this for…excuse me? It’s COMING OUT ON THE 360??? WTF, Square Enix! How can you do this to your loyal Nintendo Sony fanbase?? Oh, but it has multiple disks? And the graphics are noticeable worse? HAHAHAHA! So that means they will have to get off their fat asses once over 15 hours or so to see more slightly less than optimal graphics? Well, I guess I can live with that.
So on March 9th, when I get off from work and go to pick up my copy, say a little prayer for me. Because no Final Fantasy has ever disappointed me and if this is the first, I will have shamed my family with this sycophantic diatribe and hari-kari will be the only option left.
Until then…I guess I will just play Mass Effect (which is awesome).
You spoony bards.